scenes from a frat party.

Me: "Which frat is it?"
C: "The Asian frat."
Me: "There's an Asian frat?"

It is an act of desperation that brings me to a frat party; the desperation not to be alone on Valentine's Day. Not to be by myself in any measure. I am 21 and this is, I think, the trajectory of bad Valentine's Days from the beginning of one's life to this point:

[1-11yrs old]--Fun. Involves cards and chocolate.
[12-15yrs old]--Vague hope. Anything is possible. Disappointment.
[16-19yrs old]--V-Day is stupid. Desire to burn things and listen to angry music.
[20-???rs old]--Ridiculous, at this point. Not worth it. But still; ridiculous.

I had forgotten what frat parties were like until I got here and realized why I rule them out immediately almost any time they're mentioned. Ninety percent of the people here are Asian. C. and Lucy and I work our way slowly through the crowd, pushed up against people we have no interest in knowing. It takes ten minutes to get through a hallway, and then C. delivers me two jello shots from heaven followed closely by two weak vodka drinks. They do nothing. We stand close together and watch people like it's the Westminster dog show. She points. "Blonde guy?" I say, and make a face. There's Clingy Guy, who is attached to some poor girl like he's five years old and she's his teddy bear. I feel an urge to hit him for her sake. There's Flannel Guy, who is vaguely attractive but involved with high jinks with someone else, and it's somewhat amusing to watch. There are ten thousand Asian couples. C. runs after Blonde Guy and I stand alone.

I am in sort of a corner now, watching people crowd in for more alcohol, an obvious necessity. Single people exchange rapid glances that will lead to nothing. I wish for an anybody from my past, and wonder how I'd name them as they filed in. Nice Boobs Guy, Tongue Guy, Lacrosse Party Guy, The Only Guy Who Ever Mattered, India Guy, Nice Guy, Four People Guy. And others. They'd all come in and act differently with me, if they saw me there. Tongue Guy would say it's a stupid atmosphere and we should just go chill somewhere, India Guy would want to dance for the rest of the night. They'd all be distracted and some would find a way out quickly. The others I would try to evade.

It isn't pity that I look for, exactly. I could have a relationship if I really wanted it. But I don't just want a relationship. I want a relationship with tea in the morning. And chemistry. And laughing. Or I don't want it. At all.

I get my coat, I leave alone. I didn't find anything but I didn't expect to, especially at a frat party. It is around 1AM anyhow; it is no longer Valentine's Day.

I can be alone.