In lieu of Freud

I already read 83 pages today, and I have decided this exceeds my current limit. Plus, I haven't done one of these things in forever.

1. How tall are you barefoot?: I think 5'5 and 3/4, last time I measured.

2. Do you wish you were shorter or taller?: No. Height is pretty low in my list of daily thoughts.

3. Do you own a gun?: Definitely not. Even just holding one sort of creeps me out.

4. Rehab?: Is this a standard number four sort of question?

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?: I've never met the parents.

6. What do you think of your friends?: They give me hope for humanity.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?: "What Child is This?"

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?: Hot tea.

9. Do you do push-ups?: Not regularly.

11. Are you vegetarian?: Yes.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?: That would be my aloof demeanor. Gets 'em every time.

14. Do you own a knife?: Butter and ridged. I'm a woman of variety.

15. Do you have A.D.D.?: Only in my head. (Get it?!)

16. Date Of Birth?: December 14

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment: I should be reading Freud. I should be reading Freud. I should be reading Freud.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?: Vegetarian burrito, Honest tea, dollar shake.

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink: Tea, lemonade, water, mineral water, milk.

20. What time did you wake up today?: 7AM

21. Current hair?: Ponytail

22. Current worry?: Not getting Freud read.

23. Current hate?: Apathy.

24. Favorite place to be?: I like Lake Michigan in the summer on the top of the dunes, sort of in the shade, maybe sitting on an old dead log, burying my feet in the sand. Yeah, that's a good place.

25. Least favorite place to be?: My instinct is Hastings, but that feels a bit cruel. So, Gary, Indiana.

26. Where would you like to go?: For study abroad, I've been looking at India. There's also Beijing, but I feel like I might get less out of it. China in general, though. Asia in general. Also Vienna. And Argentina and Peru. Ireland. England. Barbados. But let's start with India.

27. Do you own slippers?: Flip-flops > slippers.

28. What do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?: I have a grandiose idea involving other cities and countries, but I also remember thinking in the 10th grade that I could get into Columbia University. So we'll see.

29. Do you burn or tan?: I feel like this is the most boring question in the world, so I refuse to answer.

30. Last thing you ate?: Half a vegetarian burrito.

31. Would you be a pirate?: No.

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?: Last Friday, I think.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?: I never really feel a compulsion to sing in the shower. I think that gene must be similar to the thumb-sucking gene. I also didn't suck my thumb, incidentally.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?: Zombies, actually. Which is absolutely to be blamed on a too-early introduction to that Michael Jackson video, also known as the SCARIEST THING EVER. Also, Chuckie.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?: Talking about Freud, and a professor who particularly loves Freud.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?: I don't know... I think they were all flowery.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?: I've never broken anything, or really done anything drastic. Um. In the last 5 years, I had to get stitches on a knuckle after I cut it deeply on a wine glass I broke while washing the dishes. Wild.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?: Our apartment will be TV-less. I think my parent's house has 2.

41. Who is your loudest friend?: Tyler, maybe. Or Connie.

42. Who is your most silent friend?: Peter.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?: Probably not.

44. Do you wish on stars?: It doesn't ever really occur to me. Also, Chicago doesn't really have stars.

45. What is your favorite book?: We the Living, Atonement, Wuthering Heights, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. The Giver.

46. What is your favorite candy?: I have a bit of a weakness for Sour Patch Kids.

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?: The sad thing is I've actually thought about this. But I figure if I ever get married, maybe my husband would like some say in that too.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?: I don't know.

49. What were you doing 12AM last night?: Bonding with my roomies.

50. Do you love someone?: Yes.

51. How often do you shower?: Daily, in the morning.

52. Do you play any of your favorite musicians' songs on guitar/piano/another instrument?: No.

53. Do you have a ringtone of your favorite band's song?: I had a Guster song for a long time, but now I just use the ring. Or more accurately, most of the time it's on vibrate.

54. What was your favorite concert?: The Decemberists was particularly fantastic and inclusive. Flogging Molly was the best as far as being hyperenergetic.

56. What food do you find disgusting?: Venison, but maybe that doesn't count since I "can't" eat it anyway. Sauerkraut.

57. What does your comforter look like?: It's sort of dimpled all over, and with small yellow flowers. My down comforter, anyway. My standard one is an ugly purple.

58. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?: Upekha.

59. The first thing you notice about the opposite/preferred sex?: Eye color, I think. And hair.

60. Do you have any piercings?: No. I've had my ears pierced a bajillion times, but they always end up filling in.

61. Do you have any tattoos?: No.

62. If so, how many hours have been invested in them?: ---

63. Do you still keep in contact with your tattoo artists?: ---

64. Do you like chinese food?: Yes. I like the sticky white rice a lot. And veggie lo mein.

65. Favorite pair of shoes?: Navy blue Keds. They're so simple.

66. Who did you hug today?: Tyler, Upekha, mum, maybe some others. I've never been so affectionate in my life. And hugs medicate.

67. How long have you been at your current job?: 2 weeks? Maybe 3?

68. What's the last article of clothing you borrowed from someone?: I wore Upekha's pretty blue scarf and it's still over there, by my desk.

69. What color underwear are you wearing?: Red and white horizontal stripes. Extremely comfortable.

70. Where is your phone?: On my desk.

71. When did you last buy a new pair of jeans?: A little over a year ago, I think.

72. When were you last at school?: Chinese this morning, 10:30-11:20.

73. When did you last burn a candle?: Sometime last week, a bunch of tea candles. Those suckers burn out so quickly.

74. How old is your car?: CTA 4 lyfe.

75. What do you remember about graduating?: It was incredibly hot, I kept zoning out, I wasn't actually all that excited about the ceremony itself, and Kay and I exchanged comments throughout.

76. How much time do you spend on the phone?: Many times a day, but always for very short periods of time. Altogether maybe half an hour a day or less.

77. Can you make change for a dollar right now?: No, but I can do my laundry with my handy dandy school ID.

78. What jewelry do you never take off?: I've been pretty unadorned for quite a while.

79. What are you listening to right now?: "Happy Phantom" by Tori Amos.

80. What kind of shampoo do you use?: Something Audrey gave me because I ran out. Silk-ing, or something. It works well.

81. Do you have any pets?: I had two cats. Now I have one cat. She lives at home and works on her fat production. She's doing well.

82. What do you eat for breakfast?: Kashi, with "crunchy fiber twigs, soy protein grahams, and honey puffs." Actually very tasty.

83. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?: Shirt A at Sufjan Stevens concert, shirt B at Aeropostale last year (but no label emblazoned across the front or ducks or monkeys--just a relatively simple hoodie).

84. Are you shy?: Nope.

85. Do you get headaches?: Yes, I get tension headaches occasionally. Usually all together and then none for a while. Lots of headaching this week, though. It's been a weird week. I always say that, but it's always true.

86. Have you had an eating disorder?: No, unless you count a very strong inability to avoid sugar. Carrot cake makes me weak and powerless.

87. How often do you eat sushi?: I sometimes sample Ty's and/or Upekha's. Was craving California Rolls today, but unfortunately didn't see them until after I settled for the burrito.

88. Do you follow your horoscope?: Follow, no. I read it sometimes. It rarely strikes a chord, although the general Sagettarian (?) description fits me well enough. My Chinese zodiac is totally off-base, though. No way I'm a rabbit.

89. What are you doing for summer break?: Working for an environmental campaign here in Chicago as a field manager/canvasser.

90. What is your hometown like?: Dry, tired, boring, sterile, afraid.

91. Did you ever go to work with your parents?: I went with my dad sometimes... when I was little and I had to go there I'd sit in this room and watch all of these anti-drug videos for teenagers. Unexpectedly entertaining, they were.

92. Seven states you have been to?: Wyoming, New Mexico, Arizona, New York, Georgia, Florida, Colorado

93. What is your cell phone like?: Recently hateful. Whether or not you'll hear me depends on its mood. Which leads to the following conversation frequently: "Hello?...Hey, I was justing wonderin-Hellooo?"

95. Do you consider yourself to be creative?: In some respects.

96. Have you ever had detention?: No, actually.

97. What's your favorite radio station?: I like to listen to NPR at night sometimes when I do Chinese homework. It has a strange, pacifying effect on me. Like I remember one night over winter break at home, I started panicking, and then I listened to NPR (late night, so BBC) and made Chinese flash cards and it calmed me down.

98. Who were you named after?: My sister's classmate, I think. My sister named me. She was 8. But the "ie" was upon my grandmother's assistance, a sort of nod to our French heritage. My dad picked my middle name, Claire, because he thought it sounded "regal". My mom was no longer considered a credible resource after she produced the terrifying "Oriana".

99. Have you ever played poker?: No. But I can play War!

chaiyya chaiyya.

I haven't said much of anything pertaining to my life for a while, so here's a brief update: I went to Colorado. I decided (tentatively?) on a major (excuse me, concentration). I came back from Colorado. I cut my hair. I got a job. I'm staying in Chicago over the summer. I started writing for the newspaper, sort of. I thought I would read more--I read less. I need to apply for financial aid. I got an apartment. And I'm going to dinner in Greektown tonight.

Really, I guess that's kind of a lot.

Since I came to college, I realize I look back on high school differently from almost everybody else. With most people, it's with a placid nostalgia. The things that invoke my placid nostalgia usually involve other cities, other states (even other countries)... that dumpy town in central Michigan that one hot summer, when we camped on a lake and found an amazing rope swing on a bank. I was maybe 14. I thought the college guy one site over was cute. Or trying on those brown corduroy pants in Amsterdam, the night it was raining like crazy and we bought a new, colorful umbrella. I was 12.

Point is, my small hometown itself, the feeling it most strongly brings to mind is... stale. To me, it feels stale, dead, and stagnant. I felt it when I was living there, but now even more. I love Chicago... there's an appreciation for solitude you can find in the city. You can go to a movie alone, or eat dinner alone. People usually don't feel the need to ask questions, and you can do what you want. You can come here and start again. You can be a vegetarian. You can wear what you want. You can talk, and there's always someone who knows what you're saying.

And now that I'm here, I think I may have found what I needed. Maybe this is what it took for me to be comfortable in my own skin--escape, college, and the city. UChicago itself is an important aspect, I think... there are times I'll be downtown and overhear a group of frat boys from another school, reminding me exactly why I came here, reassuring me when I come back to a school with a nerdy persuasion and the group of friends I have. Not video games and sci-fi, but tea snobbery and language love. I needed to find people like me to realize what I'm like.

...it'll take a long time for me to understand where I'm from, and even longer to appreciate it.

state of the union

I'm feeling particularly sobered up right now.

I'm terrified of the power of the current president, and his stupidity. But what scares me most, far beyond this administration's incompetency, is the indifference of the American people. War, climate change, torture? I admit I haven't led any protests, but it's chilling to see headlines like "Speculations of Military Use of Torture" and "U.S., China Got Climate Change Warnings Toned Down" and not see a truly revolutionary change in American society. To go to the grocery store and do homework and go to movies and museums as though we don't know terrible things are going on, as though even disinterested high school students can't dissect Bush's tired, platitudinal rhetoric.

I feel like I'm on a ship that I know is being steered in the wrong direction, but I'm down below deck downing Manhattans and trying to forget with bad 80s music. And everyone else is with me. Except for those 30-something percent, who are with the captain, cheering him on, applauding too quickly in front of their face to look out the window and survey the damage.

The saddest part is that we're suffering the least. We'll probably be leaving a massive mess when we get out of Iraq--but the land here is still in tact. And India and Central America will most strongly get to feel the effects of our giant SUVs.

It's so disparaging.

Silver lining: Sometime (too far) in the future, there will be another election. Obama is running. He's sane. He's not accepting money from lobbyists. Please vote for him.