My Osis.

I have learned more about mitosis, meiosis, stem cells and Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome tonight than in the past four weeks of Human Heredity. Good thing, too, because I have my first mid-term tomorrow--a strange set-up in which we are presented with 5 abstracts (which I've been studying all night) and asked 4 or 5 questions about each one.

I couldn't have made it without Wikipedia. Thank you, people of the world who care enough about genetic processes to educate the masses through an unofficial reference website!

(Although, one contribution about Meiosis seemed a little wacky. Spot the irregularity! "The word "meiosis" comes from the Greek meioun, meaning "to make smaller," since it results in a reduction in chromosome number in the gamete cell. meiosos is sex Meiosis is essential for sexual reproduction and therefore occurs in all eukaryotes (including single-celled organisms) that reproduce sexually.")

This morning, along with Connie, I turned in my Pune application. Which means I'm down to 3/5 applications completed, the other two only lacking a couple of factors (i.e. transcripts, recs) which I fully expect to be taken care of soon.

I assumed that, with the onslaught of my India applications subsiding, I would be able to relax enough to consider the idea of possibly finding the free time to read a book (I owe A. a discussion about Rabbit, Run, this I haven't forgotten.)

Sadly, this won't be possible for at least another week, because:

Monday--Hindi Composition due, Hindi Mid-Term (the same day. Nice.)...work
Tuesday--IS 4-5 pg. paper due about water/oil issues and solutions (i.e. drag a big bag of fresh water through the ocean. Have you heard this one?)
Wednesday--work, ECO
Thursday--Environment & Religion 3-4 pg. paper due about I-don't-know-yet, NSEP interview
Friday--work, collapse

Actually, right now I should be finishing the Hindi homework I didn't finish for today, as well as the assignment that's due tomorrow.

Come on, Uchi. Settle down.

....................

In other news, I had a revelation Monday. That we should be polygamists! (Just kidding.)

But really, my revelation was about how I can start an absolutely new chapter in my life. How I could purge that which I don't need, and end my attachment to feelings that are both inaccurate and destructive. It was supremely peaceful. I was worried the epiphany would end as quickly as I experienced it, but I'm still in the same state of mind. And I'm still peaceful.

I haven't felt this secure--in this area of my life--in quite a while (i.e. eons).

Still a little wavering on the Bio mid-term, though.

anti-people-sheep and pro-sheep-sheep

Do not say the words "statement of purpose" to me.

Because I will cry. I will embarrass you when fat, exhausted tears work their way over my lower lids and fall to the floor in between us. I will make you uncomfortable when I sink to that floor and curl into the fetal position, rocking back and forth to remind myself that there's still a little bit of soul within me.

In fact, do not even be suggestive. Don't say "State... of the Union address" or "State marriage license". I could still burst into flames upon hearing it.

With all of the crap one must produce and consume to "succeed" in society, I can understand how one would give it all up and become a farmer.

That's right, a farmer. A Christian Evangelical Organic Sustainable-Practices Farmer. I want to herd some sheep. I want to grow a tomato. Just like the Lamb of God people, who came to my Religion and Environment class and talked about their organic, sustainable ways. It's all a part of the bigger Christian agrarian movement, in which the whole Biblical thing where God calls us to be "good stewards" is taken quite seriously.

So I'm not a Christian. I can still grow a tomato and lead some sheep and get closer to God. God being the universe. God being everything.

I'm only about 20% kidding, by the way. I really do kind of want to farm something. And tend a flock of sheep.

But for now a cat or a dog would do. Where are the pets when you need some serious soft, warm fluffiness following soul-wrenching application grind-work?

hey, hey, hey, hey.

Best moment from last night:

Our neighbors (the ones with the identical goldfish view through the living room window) were having a party. A., U., and I were eating pizza and talking in our living room. We heard their talking. We heard Savage Garden. We heard Semisonic. Clearly, this was a nostalgia party.

Then, suddenly, the familiar strains of "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes were drifting into the room.

This is the song T. learned on the guitar and played all the time during the spring and summer. This is the song that has helped me form bonds with my friends. This is a song that must be sung at the top of the lungs. This is the song that requires all of the frustrated emotion that can be conjured. Even if you're not at the party.

So we sang it--loudly--and in response, the party sang back to us.

It was a beautiful 2 minutes and 28 seconds.

All the Lonely People...

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.

Not that this is particularly unusual. Relationships are fascinating to me; they're so complicated. Especially when love is involved. Then it's supremely complicated. Because, as far as I've seen, love is one of the only things that makes a rational person act irrationally.

Other things I can think of: 1) insanity, 2) depression, 3) philosophical confusion.

U. and I had a relatively long conversation today, as we do on occasion, where we tried to Get Somewhere in our thoughts on relationships. It started because she wanted to know what I thought about historical in-love (historical story in-love, mostly) versus contemporary in-love. What, she wanted to know, did I think were the differences?

We agreed that historically it seems like maybe it was more of a crap-shoot. In-love is all about instant passion--what with all the stories about Boy Sees Girl, Boy Thinks Girl is Pretty, Boy Does Insane Things In Name of Love For Girl. This concept seems timeless, I guess, but I think it's growing more archaic. Neither of us liked this option of in-love, because 1) the be-all-end-all virtue of Girl in this scenario is visual beauty, which in reality doesn't say a whole lot except that Girl is fun to look at, which sucks for Girl and feminism is general, and 2) this is a pretty precarious situation. This story usually ends in Marriage, which is happy and probably followed by great sex. But what about when they have to buy a house? Or go see a movie? Or spend time in each other's company, in general? NIX this story. It's too pretty and too simplistic.

The interesting thing is, historically, in-love was definitely not the big deal it is now. If we're gonna get REALLY historical, you were probably matched with someone whose parents made a deal with your parents. If we're gonna get kinda historical, you usually just kinda picked someone who you might have thought was kind of cute, but who definitely had the same socioeconomic status, lived in the same village, and didn't have a deadly disease yet.

So, maybe historical in-love is so optimistic and outlandish because it wasn't expected for everybody anyway? I don't know.

Anyway, it seems like these days, romantic stories are all about the big connection. At least, the pre-courtship process (i.e. I like you, let's get to know each other, now we're friends, and I really like you, etc.) is much more important than the actual marriage at the end. Now there's almost always a break-up involved because of miscommunication, and a getting-back-together due to the fact that both (cue sappy song) are reminded of the other by something they both relate to.

Before, crisis was more about things keeping the lovers apart (families, dragons, y'know). Now, crisis is about miscommunication.

(By the way, I should just throw in that this is all semi-ignorant, unresearched speculation.)

That wasn't really the interesting part of our conversation, though.

We talked about our own problems with relationships, which are all remarkably similar, and sort of newly archetypal it seems. Here are the stages:

1. Boy meets girl.
2. Boy and girl fall in love.
3. Boy romances girl with lots of wildly impractical, utterly romantic statements.
4. Girl is mostly practical, but smitten.
5. Boy abruptly ends all statements; relationship.
6. Girl says a number of wildly impractical, possibly quite angry, utterly romantic statements.
7. Boy eventually declares Stage 5 moot--picks up Stage 3 again.
8. Repeat Stage 5.
(Stages 5-7 might happen a few times.)
9. What happened to boy? Who knows? He is probably in Timbuktu. Girl becomes much more practical. Girl is looking for new Boy. But girl is unsure how to alter feelings.

I don't know what "the end" is, except, I think, Girl eventually falls in love again. That's really the only way I've seen out of the story. That's what we've all agreed is the only conceivable end.

It's not a story anyone wants to play around with once they're out of it--it's a relief to end the process, and usually there's lots of horrifying stuff in the middle no one wants to remember. Any guy is done at Stage 8; there's no other way to put it. Any Stage 9 girl would prefer simply not to think about any prior stage, because the first ones are wildly sentimental and the later are painful and fatiguing.

And Stage 9 is really not so awful a stage. At that point, it's much less obsessive. It's much less painful. It's usually even hopeful. It's mostly spent waiting or looking for someone new. It's really only a problem when one dwells on the story itself.

In terms of personal experience, especially talking with people I know, this is the new love story.

It seems like what everyone has problems with is the part where Boy comes back into the picture, contradicting his Ending statements by reiterating his Beginning ones. This part is decidedly shitty, because it 1) apparently confirms Girl's suspicions that Boy was deluding himself out of feelings (for various optional reasons, but I'll stay out of subcategories), and 2) gives Girl hope when Boy repeats Stage 5, that Stage 7 is logically to follow.

Despite all rationality, it's easy to think the story will eventually end at Stage 7 instead of Stage 5.

Which is why it's hard for all of my friends to alter their feelings.

----

In my mind, this must all be about miscommunication. If Boy explained his feelings at every step in process following Stage 5, things would make more sense to Girl. I think, though, inevitably, that would either cast Boy in a bad light, or force him to hurt Girl which he doesn't want despite not wanting a relationship.

At the same time, I know this is very much colored by my experience as a Girl. I'm positive Boy has a very different idea of it.

Also, applying science to romance is difficult. You try it.

----

In other news, 2/5 applications done.

I'm afraid I'm falling too much in love with the "pink city", and the odds of getting into any program are very much against me.

Oh well. [Insert some quote about never failing only because you never try.]

o, Punjab!

I can't help it; I love this Indian music video.

My favorite characters:

1) the guy in the turban
2) the cigar-smoking bass player
3) the old white dude with the sitar (is it a sitar?)

Voices escape, singing sad sad songs.

(I don't mean to beat to death the news, in a oh-so-stereotypical bloggy way, but--)

Heath Ledger hath quit the world.

Oh, Heath. I hardly knew thee.

Wait. I didn't know thee.

What I feel is not grief exactly, because that seems like a pretty immense emotion to invest in someone I didn't know. Still, there's a twinge of something. Something I don't feel when anonymous people up and die. It begs the question: what, exactly, is society's emotional attachment to a famous person?

There are categories of fame--The Leader, The Entertainer, The Intellectual, the Socialite. While an individual dying of any category will warrant those close to the person to grieve, I wonder about the community. Is it sad to me because I was attracted to him in "10 Things I Hate About You"? Or because I liked his acting? Or because he's famous?

If a leader died, someone I really looked up to--and there are a couple, I suppose--I think I would actually grieve. Because that means something for the society. Like late last year... all the images of people sobbing in the streets after Bhutto's assassination. Her death had societal implications; it was symbolic.

We are social. I remember five years ago, feeling somewhat misanthropic, actively searching for people I deemed "different" from the masses, people that "got" me. People with the same taste in music; people who wanted to go to the same places. Which makes some sense--that's the age when a number of uncomfortable things happen: 1, you realize being an adult doesn't make someone an Adult; 2, in most places, you still get treated as though you're younger than you are; 3) you start noticing the rest of the world; etc.

Now, I feel drawn to the community. I want to bond with people I can't imagine bonding with, I want to be opened to new things by others, rather than just finding people who already know what I know. It's about taking comfort in your similarities as human beings reacting to the human condition, not about taking comfort in both enjoying the same obscure indie band. To some degree, the second is a microcosm of the first. But focusing on the first, I think, will get you further.

What I mean to say is: I think the death of Heath Ledger was sad because everyone knows who Heath Ledger was. He was "shared" by society, and now society shares one thing less. He didn't lead us, but he entertained us--and our society is one bent on entertainment. I'd even say entertainment is a kind of religious thing in America.

Look at Britney Spears. She ceases to exist as a person--she's just a concept now. She's entertained us to death; it isn't even voluntary anymore. The woman has been chained down by the public. Newspapers wouldn't report her every move if people didn't consume it. And people consume it so voraciously because newspapers report it. It's a weird world.

Anyway. Speaking of liking the same song, I really like "Jesus, Etc" by Wilco. I keep listening to it. Over and over. Anybody else like that song? We could take comfort in our similarities as human beings reacting to the human condition via social critique via entertainment via alternative rock via country-folk leanings.

well,

I've finished my first application. Only four more to go. :|

I'm eating a gloopish attempt at a Minestrone soup I made earlier this week. I still feel sick from last night, when I consumed lots of gin, did a couple of stupid things, and then felt so unpleasant I forced myself to throw up. Which I've never done before, but it did help.

No more gin for me. I shall forego this social lubricant for a month, at least. TEA, from now on. Tea in the morning and tea at night!

Not sure why I still feel so nauseated. Although I really failed with this soup, and that's not helping.

T. just left and who knows where U. is, so it's just me here now, and that's fine... I just want to sleep.

I haven't done my laundry in over a month. Thankfully, T. wanted to get rid of a bunch of his clothes, so I picked up a couple sweaters and lots of boxers. I wore one of the sweaters today and the masculinity of it made me feel kinda like a dirty hippie, which is a pretty cozy style, in my experience. It reminds me of being 11 years old and camping, wearing the same things all the time, wearing plushy, oversized things. It's so liberating to dress how you want.

Has everyone heard of Beirut? My cousin Christel recently introduced me to the wonder of ukuleles & trumpets. I can't decide between Elephant Gun or Postcards from Italy. I think I prefer the music of the latter, but would rather watch the video of the former. I definitely have a thing for Zach Condon.. he's so disaffected-looking. I love me the alienated ones.

Yeah, I have no theme today. I feel too sick. I feel too tired. I feel too statement-of-purposed out.

I'm going to bed. In my new boxers.

SOUP. and sickness.

I anticipate that much of my time over the next few days will be spent attempting not to get sick.

Last night, I was so utterly and completely wiped out that I was almost nonfunctional and ended up going to sleep at 7:30PM. And I had gotten up at a perfectly respectable hour that morning.

But I had spent some time with T. in the main room, and he was blowing his nose all over the place. When he's sick, his strategy is completely ignoring it and soldiering through. As a result... he's always sick.

But me, I have the immune system of an ox. I haven't succumbed to a thing over the past year beyond a few sneezes and a mornings' long sore throat (and an eye infection, but that can hardly be blamed on my immune system). I'm not sure exactly why this is, but I do some things right--I eat a billion tomatoes, chain-drink tea, and sleep when I need sleep. I even take vitamins once in a while.

I also wonder sometimes about the relationship between my pleasant state of health and my vegetarianism. For example, I really rarely get stomachaches anymore. I haven't had a real cold, fever, or flu in a very long time. I usually feel very good. I remember after a few weeks (or was it months?) of not eating meat, I felt--literally--lighter. Meat is so heavy on your stomach, and the alternative might tend to be less energy efficient, but I think it's more comfortable to process.

Anyway. The point is: I'm warding off sickness. I drank orange juice and I'm taking my vitamins. Try to catch me with so much as a sniffle.

Tonight I'm making minestrone soup and A. and I are watching a movie the Mormons made about the beginnings of their religion. It should be superb.

adolf hitler, mostly

I had a wonderful conversation with T. tonight. We hadn't really talked in a while, so it felt nice. Also, it's been a while since I've really talk-talked to anyone, so that was really nice.

I'm in a weird space right now. I don't feel guilty about it, or think that my feelings are unwarranted--it's just what happens when the people around you make choices. It's weird to get the creeping feeling you're a supporting character in your own life, it's weird to feel less than optimistic about your romantic future, and it's especially weird to lose security in friendships. You can't rely on connections and promises and constructed trust, you just have to hope for the best, find people you can have fun with, find people you can drink tea with, and periodically check in to see who's beside you.

It's a terribly unromantic way to approach a bond with someone, but the romantic alternative has been a let-down for me. Idealism doesn't favor me.

That's life, man.

Anyway, in other news, I actually really like this quarter. I've lost last quarter's rampant self-consciousness and now I'm not only oddly vocal in my classes, but unusually motivated. I've kept up with my IS readings, even if it means staying up later and foregoing precious sleep (a notion I somehow couldn't bear in the fall). I've been weirdly accurate in class--I've managed to both illustrate my existence to my professors (fall found me mostly staring into the void, analyzing my disturbing act of staring into the void) and offer responses that please them.

I've become accepting of my pace in Hindi, realizing that perhaps being one of the few people in the class with no direct connections to India meant I was a little slower for a reason. Astonishingly, deciding to accept this has relaxed me in the class and consequently improved my attention and comprehension of the language.

I've also been feverishly attending to a bazillion applications (or like, 5), at least one of which should be my ticket to India before the year is out. The hardest part of this has been to definitively swallow my lack of feeling of entitlement and request a number of recommendations from teachers by which I somehow felt unworthy of being recommended. Stepping out of that comfort zone has made me feel somehow more confident--it's obvious that it's all related, point being that I am becoming more comfortable trusting my own strict belief in my right to be here.

I have, in the past--and I'm sure I'll continue to do, to my frustration--too readily bought into the image of things, instead of trusting the individual. That might be too vague. What I mean is: you hear a lot of talk here, of Harvard, of the World Bank, of Nobel Laureates. This is the image--not the individual. The individual is the person who was educated at Harvard and went on to write policy protecting the whole of the Great Lakes from pollution from corporations. Or the individual is the person who went to Harvard and ended up working at a public library in a small town. The University of Chicago is image. I (you, him, them, Bill Gates, Adolf [Adolf or Adolph, whichever Hitler wasn't, my Opa was] Hitler) am individual.

At least, that's how it made sense to me to articulate it at this moment.

holy crap.

I'm sitting on the living room floor printing stuff out for my Environment and Religion class, and I casually looked out the window,

and into the face of a girl at her laptop, not more than 15 feet away, sitting by her window in the apartment next door. It startled the hell outta me.

Sometimes it can be creepy, this cramped apartment life.

I hope someone finds it there.

My roommates are both somewhere else, in the company of someone with whom they have a close, affectionate relationship. I did my homework. I brushed my teeth. I changed clothes and tried to think of a reason to continue being awake... because going to bed alone in my apartment on nights like this is pretty horrible.

There's a song I like by Deb Talan called "Vincent", about Van Gogh. I've been listening to it on repeat. It makes me feel an affinity with Van Gogh. I googled some of his art and remembered how much I like it. Last year I had a "Starry Night over the Rhone" poster hanging beside my bed, but it got damaged in the move to the apartment.

I hate the fact that my walls are still so bare. My goal for this week is to get back to that poster store downtown across from the Art Institute, and get myself a new Van Gogh poster.

I'm wearing pink.

I'm still tired.

Classes start tomorrow! Yoga, Human Heredity, Hindi, Religion & Environment, and Contemporary Global Issues (Part 2). I went to the bookstore today and my books for the latter two classes look interesting and enriching and etc.

I've decided, by way of not thinking about it directly until it came to me, that I really do want to enter my future by way of Environmental Studies. I was so frustrated with my own existential crises that, for the most part, I put aside my great Anthropology vs. Environment decision for a later time. But then I realized that I think about the environment constantly. It really became obvious once we touched down in Phoenix, walked outside, and the first thing I noticed after the cacti was the grotesque quantity of SUV's.

I just need to stop thinking of my future as a black hole, and start thinking of it as a fantastic opportunity ready to be engineered by my creative and masterful hands. New Year's Resolution #1?

Another resolution I've made is to stop being so fearful of public, and to find myself a more comfortable person there. I'm not sure if I seem fearful, but I am. Of Hindi. Of magnetic people. Of looking a certain way. As a result of this I seem, all too often, serious as all hell. And, eh. I don't feel like it. I resolve to learn public comfort.

I want to sleep, terribly.

chi town is my town

I am SO tired. Too tired to write much of anything, even though I haven't written in a week. And even though, while I haven't being writing, I've been thinking a lot about many things I want to write about, like (such as..the Iraq):

1. Religion, and my relationship to it
2. What it means to be "classy"
3. My relationship to my mom's side of the family vs. my relationship to my dad's
   
4. Vegetarianism
5. Resolutions
6. Stuff I read in a Chuck Klosterman book I bought
7. Chicago
   

etc etc etc.

I'll get to it. I'm still adjusting to my time zone, which has changed 3 times in the past 2 days.