the clumsiest shape.

Sigh.

Went to Jimmy's tonight and felt slightly fifth-wheelish then slightly third-wheelish. It was fine combined with a Blue Moon, but otherwise I suppose would feel pretty sad. I discussed things with my roommate, along the lines of: "What is necessary at the outset of a relationship?"

I wrestle continuously with myself over my loneliness bullshit, and the idea that I should just wait until something natural occurs aggressively takes on the notion that maybe my stagnant mental state subconsciously won't allow something that could conceivably work. It is exhausting. Truth versus fiction, but I never know which is which. Intuition versus rationality, how much of each is required in this situation? It began raining and we ran home in the rain. I wore the wrong shoes again. Now I hear thunder outside and rain tapping at the window, taps me softly back into my daily contentment-lull. When do you decide you've had enough of this? What do you do afterward? Nothing seems writeable until it's filed away for a while.

As it is, I float on Okkervil River songs and my Professional Life and its duties. I stopped my internship and now have what feels like far fewer obligations, though that's deceptive. BA proposal is due Monday. But I don't feel stress. Wrap in blankets, down a beer at Jimmy's, rainstorm, mull over, be grateful and relax.