One or the other.

I am going to need either a friend in this town, or a coffee shop open past 11pm. One of the two. But it needs to happen.

I have been avoiding writing, not because nothing interesting is happening, but rather because I have been overly reliant on the internet--maybe I don't want to put forth mental effort without giving my brain a break from this machine.

I have done some reading. The Brothers Karamazov waits, tucked away in my bag, for when my intellect can pull it together and take another bruising. It's a good book, so far as I can see (I'm just short of 300 pages), but dense as a mother.

And, let's face it, reading is only so satisfying. Without the social stimulation of friendship, I can cook and read, but I'm still rather blah.

And here's the thing--I do not know how to make friends in this town. Two other interns share the apartment upstairs, but they only have a couple weeks left and while they're friendly enough, it's apparent that they're not really interested in hanging out. Which, to be honest, is just as well--I don't get the feeling we'd click anymore than a few randoms on an elevator. Anyway, they get along well with each other.

I rarely see the other interns, and I get a similar feeling from most of them. Most of them are semi-local and have their own home-grown groups, I assume. Many are leaving very soon.

Another problem is the... town itself. At a population of 100,000, it's not precisely small. And yet it carries all the things I dislike and associate with small towns: too few coffee shops, too many churches, too much conservatism, too little liberalism, too many chain stores, too few young people, too many people inside watching television. Walk the streets at any given moment and they're usually deserted, except for maybe someone in the distance, like a mirage.

I could begin going to bars, but that thought makes me a little sad. I went Friday to see a band I have to write about, and I sat alone drinking Blue Moon. There is a certain myth, I think, about meeting people in bars--because unlike the characters on Grey's Anatomy, most people are not secure enough to all wander into a bar alone, hoping to see someone they know but otherwise enjoying the Scene. Actually, most people attend the bars in often large friend groups. This is what I do in Chicago, and it's what South Benders do as well. But I have no friend group. I wasn't necessarily insecure alone with my Blue Moon, but I felt a little reflective. People don't go up and start talking to other people without provoking a range of assumptions. This limits us. This especially limits those of us in a new, smallish town with few other opportunities to make friends.

A final problem is something I have mentioned frequently to some of my friends--generally, most people seem to be satisfied with their stash of friends. They don't need or want more. In that case, there's not often much interest in the whole getting-to-know-you thing... you are a perma-acquaintance, always on loan for a short period of time. Going into our fourth year, there's a routine to our friendships.

Whether here or in Chicago, I am interested in making new friends. I'm happy with the ones I have, but I also appreciate new people and the possibility for new kinds of relationships. Is it my own reliance on other people to befriend me that leaves me stranded? Am I bad at pursuing people and making them into my friends? Yes. I think so.

Well, working on that may take more than the realization. But some coffee at 11pm would help.