warning: rant. modernity, and rant.

I've been horrible at taking naps, lately.

Not because I haven't been tired--I've been tired. More because I have a strange complex in which I procrastinate terribly, but feel so terrible about it that I can't even enjoy it. I have a whole list of things in my head that I need to do, but when I get close enough to actually doing them, I have little to no energy. It's a sort of expansive-feeling exhaustion that includes headaches and stress and guilt and depression.

But I can't take a nap to relieve my exhaustion. Because even when I set my alarm clock for a strict 20 minutes, I lay in bed and first wallow through the things I'm not doing but should be doing, and then I just stumble into some non-stop rapid thought territory, which is occasionally productive but mostly just ends with me deciding that styrofoam is evil and going to single-handedly kill the planet, or that we all exist in a context that's completely apart from reality, blah blah, blah. So I get up and waste more time.

Maybe it's what I eat. I haven't eaten particularly well, lately. But then of course I think about money, and how I just spent possibly into phantom dollars for a visa and shots and prescriptions and dinners and any other thing that I touch, or do, or breathe, or exist. So I'm unwilling to go to the grocery store for what I want to buy--spinach, carrots, potatoes, tomatoes. (That's where I stop because I don't really want to buy milk or bread [did you know lots of bread has high fructose corn syrup in it?!!] or cheese or anything in a box or anything in a can or anything containing any kind of corn or BLAH.)

Um.

So, I'm sort of stuck in a cycle. Of trying to make myself feel better so I can tackle the problems and errands and life-sucking that requires tackling, but not letting myself because then I'm not doing anything. A nap feels like the most unproductive, death-enhancing option in the whole entire universe. I'm just a big mess of guilt and anxiety and Bourgeois problems (the guilt feeds on that adjective) and lameness and non-productivity.

AND I NEED SPINACH.