I am turning into a different creature than the one I used to imagine, than indeed the one my parents want to imagine.
I am about to divulge a fact about myself. It isn't necessarily a fact I like. It's not one that holds any value in meeting people in terms of charm or interest. For a long time, it's not something I wanted to believe, but I think I've become comfortable with it:
I am not extreme.
This applies to probably every aspect of my life.
Despite this fact, I always imagined myself when I was younger, thirteen maybe, as basically normal. But I am not that either. More and more I feel separated from society, or American society, in ways I couldn't have imagined before. More frequently I am disgusted and disheartened by people. Comments that used to seem to me innocent or friendly bother me because of their implications... you may have purchased something cheaper, but it doesn't mean a price isn't getting paid somewhere else. If I see someone drinking with a straw, I might not think about it. But I might also wonder what the hell sort of purpose a straw serves besides making someone at the end of some line a bunch of money and carelessly depleting a resource.
It's not a fun attitude, obviously. Actually, a lot of the time I feel like a grandpa. An embittered, enviro-conscious grandpa.
The thing is, once you're aware of your own values, and the values you desperately want other people to share, you can't shed them. I can't just shake my head and laugh and say, "Oh, those straws" because I know somewhere oil is being converted to plastic and shipped a thousand miles in some direction so people can use straws, and somewhere 700 million McDonald's straws are sitting in the dirt, trying desperately to become dirt themselves. Which will take a while.
And capitalism? Not a big fan.
The thing is, in our society, you can't really have this sort of view, an environmentally-sensitive, socially-critical point of view, without being lumped into the counterculture that ends up being so homogeneous most of the time that I just end up feeling alienated. Must I be physically exotic and tattooed to be a person with radical ideas? Because I find it hard to feel comfortable in any circle sometimes.
Really, though, this is just a small rant at the little things that pop up occasionally and leave me feeling isolated. The old friend that feels more experienced and looks at me only superficially with a how-can-I-help-you? expression, for example. The hypocritical nature inherent in everyone, even those on your side.
I also just wanted to note how hard it is to relate people.
And proclaim that I need a cat.
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4 comments:
I'm not writing this to elude the issues you're addressing, but you need to write books. Or start a magazine. Or something.
I feel I can't relate to anyone, either. And I feel that way most of the time because of others' disregard for the necessity for change. I've never viewed straws in that light, but now I won't be able to shake that perspective. Some people just need help or different viewpoints to acknowledge the lack of reason in a product/action/event/fad, but everyone decided at the age of 12 or 13 that one person can't make a difference, so why even bother detaching from the majority? A flawed sense of perception, I'm afraid.
I have no advice for you. What I can tell you is that for me, there's something freeing about my inability to relate to self-important, free-loading, environmentally-negligent, blindly following masses. I may go through life wholly alone, but hey, I probably saved a few hundred trees by never using a single paper towel from public restrooms. Woo for me.
Ah... I agree with your feeling about straws completely. It's funny... I grew up in California and I don't think I ever once saw someone using a straw for, say, a bottle or can of soda. Much less a cup of coffee. Here in New York, people use them for all three, and if they aren't offered one at the point of purchase, you will see them demand it as indignantly as if they had been denied their change.
You may not feel extreme, but a lot of people would listen to your thoughts on straws and write you off as a loony.
It was tough for me when I realized that most of the world was not going to understand me, and that I would not understand most of the world. Even harder to deal with was the fact that I didn't want to. Conforming is a tempting and "safe" option, but not everyone is capable of it. I'm not. You probably aren't.
Be proud of occasionally being perceived as a wacko, and embrace the fact that you think what most of the people are doing is off-base. After all, you're right :)
Hahah, just today I was very disappointed, disgusted, and depressed after seeing my roommate had bought a 200-pack of straws. I was in complete shock. Why? Whywhywhy. I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight.
I identify so much with this post, with feeling alienated from the Extreme Culture and so on. I even fear my extreme views are "too extreme" for the majority of extremists (at least those I have been in contact with... then again I live in Michigan, so that's not saying much). I am also seeing how extreme I can be with the use of "extreme". I feel nervous and alienated around the sub-culture I supposedly share similar views with, but physically look different or act different than.
Sometimes I'm afraid I will forever be misanthropic and depressed by society's actions. I can't go anywhere without negative thoughts clouding my mind of, "how could they person be eating that?", "why are all of these people wasting these resources?", "don't they GET IT?!", "DON'T THEY REALIZE?!" I don't doubt I will become a hermit in the woods, one day. But a girl can only dream.
Also, I agree with Cat's first statement.
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