Allow me this quick moment of self-indulgence.
I am sitting on my bed, huddling with my laptop, eating peanut butter (which tastes like glue), obsessively checking my email, falling into the vacuum-like vortex that is anyone's myspace page, friendless in a small Midwestern town.
I leave tomorrow, back to Chicago, my city, my school, where there is life, hummus, and the TV is off. I am going vegetarian for a while, with my sister. True, I've tried it several times before. But why not try again?
Anyway, the point is:
I. am. achingly. lonely. This world is big, and there are a lot of people in it. At 19, I shouldn't be feeling like I'm doomed to catladyhood, to be the sort of person that jumps when touched. But frankly, at this rate, I'm not going to find love, or love isn't going to come and find me, until I'm 89 years old, with brittle teeth and grey, stringy hair. And who's going to want to kiss me good morning then? MY CAT, that's who.
...I need a good winter snowstorm. All of this "warm winter" crap is plunging me into despair. (Always blame S.A.D., I say.)
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3 comments:
Don't be so gung-ho about the big snowstorms - I found myself saying similar things this December, at least until back-to-back blizzards in Denver left me stranded in a house for most of two weeks with my family.
There are worse things than warm weather in January. When you have to cross the Midway while the wind chill is -15 or below, you'll understand.
I feel the same way.
In Jackson, I have felt few emotions other than lonely. I can't wait to get back to Lansing (which is a mere 45 minutes away) just to get away from Jackson. I've cut myself off from almost all of my friends here, so I have nothing to do but obsessively check my email too. Then again, I'm still lonely and bored in Lansing, but at least I have some purpose (school and work). Or I can pretend that I do.
The weather we have been having is usually my favorite kind. But it's only making me sad (S.A.D.?). I'm happiest with 50-degree weather during the summer and fall, but when it starts affecting my snow, I can't take it. WE NEED SNOW. OR COLD WEATHER. ANYTHING. PLEASE. I will even take Denver's house-bound blizzard over this very pleasant weather.
I feel such a kinship with you. I'll never be able to explain it, because I know how different of people we are. But you say things - write things, rather - and it's like you're transcribing the thoughts that are screaming in my head to find an outlet, that haven't quite discovered my livejournal or blurty yet.
Yet.
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