an atom in a world of molecules

Let's talk about...

First of all, I feel like an atom in a world full of diatomic molecules.

Aside from that, tonight I finally got to go to a party. Last weekend made me beg for the week again (how is it that at 21, all of my friends put "doing homework" at the top of their Saturday circa 11pm schedules?) but this weekend I got a text from C. relating the glorious news: "I found a party, big and impersonal! Come join?"

It was what I needed. When I say needed, I mean it with a capital N, and possibly with a preceding "desperately". I needed something outside of hanging out with a couple, which is basically my only option anymore. How did the world turn into only a combination of twos? How is everyone so fortuitous? I mean, I expect there are other people in my sorry position of have-I-seriously-been-alone-so-freaking-long-lyhood. But really--it's a bit ridiculous how I know so few of them. My friends are almost all in the love bubble, and oh, how I believe they take it for granted.

On TV, there is an illusion of the bar scene, where attractive singles order their margaritas and sup them in a sultry fashion before the personal and understanding bartender. Always in these situations, other attractive singles float into the picture, as if life were fair enough to grant attractive singles. I am nearing the D-word--I am nearing the need to put on lipstick and go to a bar and sit alone on the stool and wait for the illusion with which TV presents us.

So tonight--the party of someone I didn't know--was needed. I got to nearly flirt with a third-year physics major/Vermonter for a while, someone I was perfectly happy to continue the conversation with, until he left at a friend's prodding. And there it went. But for a moment it was there--a prospect, a possibility. The reminder that I'm not entirely dead to the world of relationships. If he had stayed... well.

I wouldn't, by the way, be using this language if it weren't for years of caked on loneliness leaving me feeling so sincerely left out of the loop. Sincerely in the most sincere way. It makes me fear how no one I know who reads this will actually know what I mean. No one has gone so long without what can be called a significant other. When it starts to feel like true alienation from society, you have what can be called a problem. You have a serious fixation problem and you need to give in.

My friends have been filling in the gaps recently, and I've learned to adapt to calm. But if the third-year physics major had stayed at the party, I might feel differently right now. As it is, I feel a bit better in that at least I met someone. Really, that simple. I met a human that might have theoretically been interested.

I am this far gone. Even as I apply lipstick in the morning and feel curiously positive about myself. This is the result of knowing no one in my situation. It is freakish. Knowing no one who can have an actual boyfriend history at this age. It is alarming. It is a case study. I am a case study.

In other news, there is other news. But really, when you're this girl, who wants to write about anything else two gin & tonics under?